Doomed in Pink
by LinksTail
Summary: Heero is sent a mission on Valentines Day. Wacky fun ensues, includes oysters, leg humping and mini golf.


Author: Links

Email:

Pairings: Attempted and failed 1x R

Warnings: Heero occasionally OOC, contains mini-golf.

May cause harm to illiterate personages.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or anything of any great value. Don't waste your time suing me 'cos I don't even have a bed at the moment.

Links Says: I really don't know where this came from – other than my immense dislike for Relena Peacecraft so if you like Relena and or the 1xR pairing, turn back now because chances are you won't like this at all.

Doomed in Pink  
Written by Links for the happy personages of the fic world

Doomed In Pink

_You do that Romeo  
Be what you wanna be  
Look like you runnin' in place  
Do that stupid dance for me_

Heero sighed as he re-loaded the screen bearing his mission. What his computer was telling him could not possibly be right. Not now! Not today!!

He grunted as the new screen displayed the same message as before. This is not happening, he sighed as he accepted the mission, immediately regretting it. Duo came bounding into the room.

"What's not happening??" questioned the other boy, eyes skimming the screen before Heero could close the window.

Heero closed his eyes and hung his head as Duo started laughing. He knew today was only going to get worse.

Duo was already running back out the door blurting out the details of Heero's mission to the other boys.

"Guys! Guys guess what Heero's mission is!" Duo could hardly get the words out for laughing.

Heero followed him into the kitchen, not even attempting to try and silence his irritating friend. The rest of the boys stopped eating and stared up at Duo who had taken to slapping his leg and gasping for breath.

"He has to look after Relena Peacecraft….. ALL DAY………….."

Heero shrank at those last words.

All day.

The other boy's laughter surrounded him and Heero silently wondered if he shouldn't turn his gun on himself and be done with it. Today would be far less painful if he did.

"Heero, you have to look after HER today!! Do you realize what day it is?!?" Wufei's laughter made his blood boil. Usually the Chinese boy was hard pressed to even crack a smile when Duo did something ridiculous, but LAUGHTING, at HIM!

"It's just another mission," Heero hissed at his hysteric companions, "and so it shall be treated as such."

"Well have fun dude! We all have the day off." Duo was grinning from ear to ear. "We're going out to play mini golf."

Heero desperately wanted to wipe the grin from Duo's face but he chose instead to stalk out the door. The laughter continued as he walked outside, only to find Relena's Chuffer already waiting for him.

_Do that Romeo  
That go-go Romeo  
I see you twist and turn  
You look so stupid, happy, and numb_

Walking into the Peacecraft residence was like walking into hell. The multi tones of pink were enough to make a guy sick. There seemed to be nobody around. Heero walked through the large foyer, eyes catching a small note resting against a vase of roses on a table. He picked it up, the message to him from Relena.

"_Dear Heero,_

_If you're reading this, it means that I'm still up in my room. Please come on up. I'm sure that you know where it is by now._

_Relena."_

"Why didn't I shoot myself this morning?" Heero muttered to himself as he began to climb the stairway to doom.

Swallowing hard, he knocked on Relena's door, praying that there was no horrible surprise awaiting him on the other side.

"Come in Heero." Her voice alone made him groan inwardly.

He pushed open the door and promptly began to sneeze as the heavily perfumed air assaulted his senses.

"Pardon me." He grunted, reaching for one of Relena's pink, scented tissues. "Ahh, nice dress…" A loose comment but he guessed she'd go for it.

Relena started to giggle. "Heero, this is my nightie silly!"

"Oh, well it's nice anyway…" What was he thinking?

_Be my Romeo  
Please be my voice in this world  
I can't sing the songs that you sing  
I can't find the gorgeous words_

"Oh Heero, I'm so glad you're here!" Heero suddenly found himself draped in Relena. "I'm so happy that you accepted your mission. Happy Valentines day, my sweet Romeo."

She was cooing, sickeningly, in his ear.

Heero all but pushed her off him, getting unsteadily to his feet and adopting the most stoic face he could muster.

"So what are your instructions according to my mission plan, Miss Relena?" He was determined to keep today strictly professional. Whether or not today actually killed him, was an entirely different story.

"Well," Relena began, her voice far too chirpy for his liking, "I was supposed to be having a meeting with some wrinkly old Romerfella executives or something but they cancelled. So, I was thinking…"

"Here it comes." Thought Heero, trying not to roll his eyes too obviously.

"Perhaps we could go to lunch and a movie."

Heero was really beginning to regret that decision against that single, painless shot to the head.

"You mean you're taking me on a date?" Heero's monotone reply didn't seem to phase the girl in the slightest.

"Yep." She said happily. "I kinda figured you wouldn't be doing anything today, being Valentines Day and all, so I thought we could go on a date!"

"Right. So what was with the mission?" Heero was beginning to feel quite uncomfortable.

"Oh, that. That was a fake!" Was she actually giggling at that? "I sent it so I could make sure we'd be together today- I know you neve turn down a mission."

Heero silently cursed himself for being the perfect soldier.

"Right, so I'm not really here to look after yo then am I – you've brought me here under false pretences." Did she even notice his disgust with her?

"Oh don't think of it like that Heero! Think of it as a little break with a girl that you love to be around. Just relax and enjoy."

Heero couldn't believe what he'd just heard. The girl was crazy. Too late to back out now though. Damn not denying the mission.

"Right, lest go then." He turned and headed for the door, feeling Relena's hand wrap gently around his wrist.

"I was actually just in the process of picking out something to wear. Wanna help me decide?"

Heero groaned. "Do I have a choice?"

But she had already disappeared into her walk in wardrobe.

Heero wondered what the boys were up to.

_Will you be my Romeo?  
My go-go Romeo  
I see you twist and turn you look so stupid_

Heero had been sitting on Relena's bed so long he ass was beginning to go numb. How many friggin dresses could on girl have? What was worse, they were all varying shades of pink. He'd hate to see Relena owning a paint store.

It must have been an hour since the first dress had come out on display. It looked much like the second, third and fourth ones. He could feel the beginning of a headache coming on from the perfume in the room.

"How about this one?" She'd come back out to twirl around in front of him again.

"It looks the same as the other forty pink dresses I've seen in the last hour," he thought angrily. "It looks great" He said, forcing a smile.

"Hmmmm," she was studying herself in the mirror, "I think I prefer the last one. It brings out my eyes a lot better."

Heero flopped onto his back on the bed, sighing in annoyance. All of Relena's dresses looked the same. They were all hideous and all pink and she looked ridiculously stupid in every single one, twirling around in front of him as she was.

He began contemplating his gun again when she popped back out the door.

"Wow, you're right Relena. That dress really does bring out your eyes." She grinned at him.

"Great, now you can help me choose some shoes."

As she disappeared again, Heero pulled his gun and pretended to shoot her with it. He wondered if the boys would hear his silent prayers for help.

_I feel just like a local god when I'm with the boys  
We do what we want, yes we do what we want  
I feel just like a local god when I'm with the boys  
We do what we want, yeah we do what we want_

It had only taken two hours, but they were finally on their way to lunch. Relena had picked a quiet little restraunt in town close to the cinema. Upon their arrival Heero discovered, much to his dismay that the staff had been forewarned that Relena Peacecraft and her 'boyfriend' would be dining there. Hopefully the food would put him out of his misery.

The restraunt had been decorated in Giant red hearts and Pink tablecloths. Heero thought he was going to be sick. Then he saw the waitress.

"Miss Relena, may I show you to your seats?" Heero tried desperately to contain himself as they followed the pink and red heart clad waitress to their table.

Acting as always when with Relena, Heero did what was socially acceptable, pulling out her hair before slumping down in his own pink covered misery.

"So what exactly is this place?" His voice almost betraying the intensity of his discontent.

"Oh, it's my favourite restraunt. Ahhh, I forgot to ask earlier, but I hope you like seafood.

The oysters here are just divine." Heero stiffened. Weren't oysters famous for being aphrodisiacs??

"Um, I'm not too keen on oysters. Trowa made me try one once and they kinda remind me of having a cold." Probably not the best thing to say right now.

To his surprise, Relena burst out laughing.

"Oh Heero, you're so funny!" Was she actually hugging herself?

Grinding his teeth together, Heero couldn't help thinking just how ridiculous this whole situation was. He decided he'd create some sort of mundane story to tell the boys – one that would put even Duo to sleep – in order to keep his sanity.

He had just decided that the meeting with Romerfella had been nothing more than idol chit-chat when a menu was placed under his nose.

Relena took charge of ordering, leaving Heero to sit in silent wonder as he pondered over what hollandaise was.

She ordered a half dozen oysters Kilpatrick and a serve of garlic prawns as the entrée and the blackened salmon in cracked pepper sauce with salad for her main. Heero decided on the imported Barramundi fillet in hollandaise with salad and herb potatoes for his main on advice from the waiter. He was still wondering about the hollandaise when he noticed Relena staring at him. She had her head resting on her interlaced fingers, elbows on the table, staring at him.

Had the girl forgotten how to blink?

Heero had to get out of there.

_Be my Romeo  
Tell me all about your love  
Tell me all about your pain  
Baited breath and rubber gloves_

The entrée was fast in coming, thank god, and smelled edible. Relena finally took her eyes off him when they placed the plates on the table saying 'bon appetite.' Heero had never been more relieved. He was just about to shove a prawn in his mouth when he had an oyster shoved in it instead.

"Heero, you just have to try these, they're so different to the oyster you would have had!!"

Heero was dumbfounded, chewing on the revolting morsel in his mouth. "Tsh bscusdig."

Heero had screwed up his face as he tried to swallow the thing. Relena began to laugh again.

He was bitterly disappointed that the thing hadn't killed him and prayed that the rest of the meal was at least palatable.

Relena didn't speak much during the meal, thank god, and Heero found himself once again thinking, enviously, of the other boys playing mini golf.

When the mains came, Heero was delighted to learn that hollandaise was quite nice and he found the fish to be exquisite.

Perhaps his day would improve after lunch. Then he reminded himself of the oysters Relena had demolished and began wondering if they would turn her into some sort of leg-humping crazy person.

_Be my Romeo  
My go-go Romeo  
I see you twist and turn you look so fuckin' stupid_

After the meal was finished, Relena and Heero left the restauraunt and headed for the cinema. Relena had attached herself firmly to Heero's hand and was skipping along beside him, singing.

"Must be the oysters," he thought to himself, "I should be on my guard."

Heero looked around and suddenly felt a weight in the pit of his stomach. Wasn't the mini golf place right between them and the cinema? He groaned when he spotted it.

"Heero, what's wrong?" Relena had stopped singing and was staring at him, concern showing on her face.

Shaking his head, he looked back at her. "Oh, nothing, sorry. I thought I saw someone."

"Oh, well, let's hurry. We don't want to miss the movie." Heero started as Relena whispered in his ear. Was she trying to get close enough hump his leg?

"Pull it together, man." Heero warned himself silently and to Relena he said, "Yeah, let's run." and took off, dragging Relena as fast as he could past the mini golf place. He didn't let up until they were safely inside the air-conditioned sanctity of the cinema complex.

Heero waited while Relena took care of the tickets and grabbed him, pulling him, unwillingly, into the cinema.

"Phew, we only just made it huh!" Relena sighed as they took their seats.

Unfortunately, the only two seats available to them were in the section more commonly known as 'Make out alley."

"Shit." Thought Heero. "Shit, shit, shit!"

They hadn't been sitting there for long when he felt Relena's hand teasing his thigh.

"Ignore it Heero." He thought to himself, holding his breath.

Before he knew it, he felt her sucking on his earlobe.

That was it. Heero panicked.

He leapt to his feet and in front of a good few hundred people began screaming.

"What the fuck are you doing you psycho?"

The entire cinema was silent. Even the movie seemed to have shut up. Relena looked dumbfounded.

"I don't believe you! You send me a message telling me to come look out for you and tricked me into a date. Relena. I don't even like you! Not like that." Mouths hung open all around them as people stared in stunned silence. Heero kept going. "Do you even care? Do you even realize? You are going to feel so fucking stupid later. And just for the record, in all that pink, you LOOK FUCKING STUPID TOO."

Heero couldn't believe what he'd just said as he fled the cinema. He really couldn't believe it. He'd just screamed at Relena Peacecraft in front of all those people. Not even Duo had copped an explosion that harsh.

_I feel just like a local god when I'm with the boys  
We do what we want, yes we do what we want_

"Heero, what are you doing here?" Where's Relena?" Quatre's voice broke through Heero's reverie.

"Huh?" He'd managed to walk himself right into the mini golf place. "Shit!! You guys will never believe what just happened!!"

He could feel the adrenaline still pumping through his system. He'd done it! He was free! He was with the boys! This was great!! THIS WAS FREEDOM!!

The other boys had gathered round Heero, eager to hear how his 'mission' had turned out.

"I just told Relena Peacecraft that she was fucking stupid." He'd begun to laugh in spite of himself.

"Oh, man!!! I gotta hear this one!!!" Duo, too was laughing.

No sooner had Heero begun to relay his story to the boys than he felt something hard hit his head.

Turning to face his attacker, he realized who it was.

Relena stood there holding a mini golf club, tears streaming down her face.

"How are you Heero?" The club connected with his head again, with a crack.

"I thought you liked me!" Crack

"You humiliated me in front of all those people." Crack.

"Heero, you're an asshole" Crack.

"You just need to wake up!" Crack.

"Just wake up." Crack.

"WAKE UP HEERO!" Crack.

_Summer days can lead to the bad times  
The world gets larger everyday  
Yeah, yeah, the summer days can lead to the bad blood  
That leaves me feelin' stupid, happy, and numb  
Stupid, happy, and numb  
I feel so stupid, happy and numb  
Stupid, happy and numb  
I feel so stupid_

Heero opened his eyes. Something hit him in the head with a crack. He sat bolt upright and found Duo standing in the doorway holding a basket full of heart shaped candies.

"Morning." he sang, "Happy Valentines Day." He threw another foil covered candy at Heero's head.

"Shit!" Heero leapt from his bed and made a mad dash for his computer. He had a mission.

Holding his breath, he opened it, holding his breath as the page downloaded.

"Come on, Come on." He chided.

His stomach sank as the page revealed the mission. Duo, reading the details over Heero's shoulder began to laugh. "I have to tell the guys that one!"

Heero grinned to himself as Duo dashed out of the room hollering "Guys! Guys, guess what Heero's mission is for today!! He has to look after Relena Peacecraft all day!!!"

Heero heard the other boys start laughing.

He took a deep breath and typed in his reply: Mission Denied. The perfect soldier was going on holiday.

He joined the other boys downstairs.

"Is it true Heero??" Trowa was grinning at him.

"Mission Denied." Heero said with a smirk as the occupants of the table gasped in unison.

"What? The perfect soldier needs a break now and then too, you know!! Besides, I hear you guys are planning on mini golf and I really don't want to miss out on that."

The boys burst out laughing.

Today was going to be fun.

_I feel just like a local god when I'm with the boys  
We do what we want, we do what we want_


End file.
